How to Get Glass Skin

It would be extremely difficult to exist in the skincare space without acknowledging the aspirational goal of glass skin.

Glass skin is a Korean beauty term used to describe a face that is poreless, evenly toned, smooth, and lustrous. A skin that loses opacity to appear translucent, like looking through a pane of glass.

When you think about it, it makes you wonder, right?

Because this skin isn’t really glass. This skin is merely the illusion of glass, and what (if anything) is more fragile than an illusion?

Sure, glass will break if you drop it, but even easing up on the slightest bit of control over an illusion will render it completely worthless.

Good gracious, just think of the amount of control it must take to maintain the illusion of glass skin!

All of the collagen and peptides and serums and masks. The pilates, the supplements, and of course the fact that you have to find a place to live that happens to be a vacuum, impenetrable by external stressors.

And the internal stressors too! The great level of cognitive control it requires to not worry about a single thing.

It’s safe to assume that any person who has achieved the mecca of glass skin (or rather, the illusion of such) spends at least a quarter of their time deep in transcendental meditation.

All of this to sustain an illusion.

One small slip and it’s gone.

Upon reflection, I believe that there is a better way to achieve the goal of glass skin. A glass skin that is tangible, undeniably real, on account of being made of, well, actual glass.

Any educated person should know the basics of glass formation: sand, ash, and limestone, all heated to an intense temperature.

All of these supplies are relatively easy to come by, too.

You don’t have to spend $60 on a limestone serum. There is no need to source sand in an ampoule. There is no influencer-marketed supplement made of ash (though I could be wrong on this one).

With this in mind, acquiring glass skin — actual glass skin — is a great economical move.

There are plenty of websites that will sell you limestone if you can’t find some in a canyon. Head to a beach to find an abundance of sand, and a pack of cigarettes will serve to provide enough ash for a full-face treatment.

So how do you do it?

The process is quite simple, providing yet another incentive to go this route as opposed to the 14-step regimen that leads you to “glass” skin.

For this, you’ll need a friend. Maybe one who has the same goal in mind, so that you can take turns helping each other reach the true height of beauty.

First, break up the limestone into a powder.

Then have the person receiving the treatment lie down. Spread the limestone evenly over the entire face (you’ll want to block the eyes though; tanning salon goggles should do the trick). Then add an additional layer of sand.

Finally, have the assistant chain-smoke a pack of cigarettes over the face of the person lying down until the final ash layer is formed. For spot treatments, the assistant can put the cigarettes out directly on the targeted area.

Once you have the three layers, you’ll need to apply the heat.

The heat does have to reach a minimum of 1,700 degrees Celsius (or 3,092 degrees Fahrenheit) to properly form the glass. This too is easily acquired through use of a butane torch.

The assistant should then apply the torch, working top to bottom, until the layers are molten. Allow the molten glass to pour over into the neck area for an added glow.

The glass will cool fairly quickly, and the heat will have fused it permanently to the face.

While surely not as fragile as the illusion of glass skin, it is important to note that glass too is fragile. Avoid falling or doing things that might merit a punch in the face in order to thwart the possibility of shattering.

If you think that all of this is too much, in spite of the marked advantages over the alternative, you might consider coming to terms with your imperfect, opaque complexion.

Xoxo,
A

This is obviously satire, not medical advice. Please do not attempt to vitrify your face.