Becoming a Rolling Stone

I’m laying in a bed I’ve been in for far too long, watching the sun claw its way up the sky. The colors here are dull and the food tastes like shit. Everything inside of me feels dry. Everything outside of me feels sticky. My to-do list is hiding somewhere, bulking up, training to beat the hell outta me later.

I should probably call out of work again, right? What was it again? The flu, COVID, a family emergency? Did I kill off one of my uncles? Did I put my sister in rehab? Anything but what it is.

Look, I’m coming up to the end of a 30-year mortgage on this headspace and I am the goddamn president of the HOA. Once in a while the door gets jammed and I get trapped inside, but I certainly know my way around.

I love to lie to myself while I’m lying down. It’s nice, right? I can think “I don’t deserve to live my life today” and “I deserve a little rest” at the exact same time. I find a great hiding place behind my diagnoses. It’s because I’m bipolar, I can’t help it. Or maybe it’s my borderline personality disorder. It’s out of my control.

On days like these, you’re like a stagnant stone that has been pushed out of the stream. In the stream, your day flows. Get up, make coffee, brush teeth, wash face, get dressed. Out of the stream, everything loses its buoyancy. Every tiny piece becomes much heavier.

So how do you do this? Take it turn by turn. Find the easiest way to get to the next position. Figure out what’s making it hard, then figure out a way around it.

Start with getting out of bed. Are you warm under your blanket and afraid of the cold air? Take the blanket with you. Is it the idea of standing up? Roll to the floor and crawl. Get creative and don’t undervalue absurdity.

When I can’t wash my face in the bathroom, I grab a bowl of warm water and a cloth and do it while I’m watching trash TV. I have a friend that turns on her shower and sits under the water with a glass of wine on the floor of her tub.

There is just one objective: get back into the fucking stream.

I’m not going to lie to you and say that doing this will solve your problems. You probably got pushed out of the stream because you’re in some rough waters, but you won’t get out of them by sitting on the side. Sure, maybe you’ll wind up getting thrashed around, but you’ve been thrashed around before, you can take it.

After all, that’s what makes stones smooth.

Happy rolling.

Xoxo,
A